


Take a Step

by Terra_Saltt



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Anxiety, Depression, Fluff and Angst, Humanstuck, Hurt/Comfort, I hope you like Mumford and Sons, M/M, Songfic...kind of?, emotional support and encouragement, its not all angst i swear, mentions of drug use, wow these tags sure make this sound like a downer
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-11
Updated: 2019-02-11
Packaged: 2019-10-26 03:54:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 13,189
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17738531
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Terra_Saltt/pseuds/Terra_Saltt
Summary: “The fact that any of us are here at all is a motherfucking miracle in itself. Just don't give up on yourself, brother, or it'll be the last thing you ever do.”





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I know I have some requests for What goes Bump In The Night that I need to get to, but when I finally had a day to sit down and write, I ended up needing to get this particular story out of my system. Life has been challenging lately and it seemed to really help, so if you're one of my current requesters, I hope it at least tides you over. Thank you for your patience!

Tavros wasn't like other people.

That much was obvious just looking at him, but it wasn't just his missing legs that put him apart from everyone else, nor was it even his embarrassing nervous stutter. It was more like a sense that he wasn't...included? Like there was some natural law of the universe that kept Tavros from being normal. There was always something that held him back from doing what everyone else did, it seemed, and it'd been this way long before the accident, though that definitely didn't help.

If you asked someone who knew him, they would probably describe Tavros as a total wallflower. The guy in the background of photos, the guy who never did anything interesting, who was too busy with the barn animals to hang out with his classmates after school. He'd never even left his home town until he moved to the city three months ago with his older brother, and deep down he'd been hoping that a drastic change of scenery might be exactly what he needed to get out of his lifelong rut, but it only seemed to highlight just how lame he was, especially compared to Rufio, who had spent the last three months doing all kinds of cool things. He met people, went places, got invited to parties, and already made a few new friends! It was so easy for someone as amazing and outgoing as him. Meanwhile, the city was too big and fast for Tavros to keep up with anything that was happening around him, and he didn't have easy access to a lot of it, anyway, so he only ended up retreating further into his bubble.

Tavros would have been a complete shut-in if it weren't for why he moved to the city in the first place. Rufio won big at the rodeo last summer and used his earnings to buy a high-end pair of prosthetic legs for his little brother that might actually enable him to walk again, but Tavros wasn't yet having any luck learning how to use them. It was slim pickings out in the country for physical therapy programs, but the city was teeming with all kinds of opportunities, and Rufio helped Tavros to enroll for new bi-weekly classes the moment they arrived.

Tavros was beyond grateful for all of his brother's help, truly he was, but it made him feel so guilty knowing Rufio was probably doing all of this for nothing. The better classes didn't seem to be helping Tavros at all. After three months, he was _still_ only on training feet, and he'd been through every instructor the program had to offer, but nobody could get him standing upright without falling over two seconds later. Tavros was clearly a lost cause, and he'd already accepted that walking was just another one of those things that other people do. It wasn't like Tavros could quit, though, not after all of the money Rufio spent on him! That was the only reason Tavros dragged himself out of the apartment, driven by the guilt of being such a burden on his family. Eventually, Rufio was going to run out of encouraging words to say and realize how pointless this all was. Until then, Tavros was stuck pretending that he still believed him.

The young man's mind was heavy with these thoughts one day as he rolled along the sidewalk to his bus stop after class. It'd been a particularly shitty training session that resulted in him falling (again) and landing on his tailbone. He was incredibly uncomfortable sitting in his wheelchair and almost didn't notice the music coming from in front of him until he almost ran over a poor busker.

“S-sorry!” he said quickly to the man sitting on a towel on the ground who's song had been interrupted by one of Tavros' wheels, which knocked over his open guitar case and spilled his money onto the concrete. The man, who had long limbs and a head full of wild black hair, patchy clothes, colorful tattoos up and down his arms, piercings on his lip and eyebrow, and strangest of all, what looked like white clown makeup on his dark face, didn't appear to be someone Tavros wanted to upset. However, instead of yelling at him, the strange city kid looked up and smiled.

“S'all good, brother, shit happens.”

Tavros was relieved the other wasn't angry, but he still felt bad as he watched the guy have to bend over and pick up his spilled change. Anyone else would have helped, but Tavros couldn't do much of anything from where he sat. He couldn't just leave, though, that would be so rude! And judging by the holes in the busker's faded purple hoodie and the jagged diagonal scars peeking out from under his face paint, rude strangers bumping into him was the last thing he needed.

Unable to think of anything else to right his wrong, Tavros fished his wallet out, extracted a spare dollar, and dropped it into the open guitar case. It wasn't much, but it was all the spare change he had that wasn't his bus fair. The busker looked up and smiled again, this time ear to ear – or maybe that was just the makeup exaggerating it. “Thanks!”

Tavros smiled back and nodded, too awkward to say anything else in this situation but happy to have helped, and rolled away to the nearby bus stop. He thought that would be the end of that encounter, but as he took his place to wait for the bus, a raspy voice called out to him.

“Hey, motherfucker!” Tavros flinched. Oh god, now what? Tavros feared that the homeless man would start hassling him, as a lot of them tended to do here in the city once they got your attention, but instead, the man strummed his beat-up guitar enticingly at him. “You wanna make a request?”

“Oh...uh, no, that's okay,” he politely refused, but the busker shook his head.

“You all up and paid me, so I gotta play you somethin'. That's how this shit works.”

No, that's not how this works! The money was an apology for running into him, not a solicitation, but Tavros didn't want to argue and the man didn't seem to want to take no for an answer, so he ended up having to go along with it. “Er, okay, um...” He took a second to think of any songs that a person like this might know, but he was mostly versed in country and folk music, which was probably far from this punk-looking guy's repertoire. What was popular enough that he might know it? “Do you know, um, any...Mumford and Sons?”

“Hell yeah, I do!”

Tavros was glad that his suggestion was taken so easily. The busker positioned his guitar and plucked the strings a few times to warm up, eyes closed and mouth moving silently as he concentrated on remembering the lyrics, and then started playing a tune that took Tavros a moment to recognize as Little Lion Man. It was different on a guitar instead of the banjo, but the musician had the skill to make it work.

 

“Weep for yourself, my man,  
You'll never be what is in your heart  
Weep little lion man,  
You're not as brave as you were at the start  
Rate yourself and rake yourself,  
Take all the courage you have left  
Wasted on fixing all the problems that you made in your own head”

 

His voice was very different from Marcus, too, but not in a bad way. It didn't have the polish of a professional singer, but the deeper roughness of it was oddly pleasant. Unique. He continued to play even after Tavros' bus arrived, and the busker sent him off mid-chorus with a wink, prompting Tavros to give a bashful wave back.

Wow, that was...weird. Nice, but weird. Tavros' interactions with other people here in the city didn't usually go so smoothly, always ending in them getting annoyed or him feeling dumb, but that busker was kind, despite Tavros' clumsiness, and Tavros went home not feeling quite so bad as usual. It was such a small thing, but even just that was probably the most exciting thing to happen to him all week. It's the kind of stuff that usually happened to other people.

 

* * *

 

Tavros just wanted to nonchalantly put a few coins in the open case as he passed by, but of course, nothing was ever that easy for him. One of them ended up bouncing out and, as if willed by the hand of a cruel god, flew right through the hole in the sitting busker's guitar and landed inside with a sharp clatter of metal on wood.

Tavros was mortified at just how badly he'd failed to do such a simple thing, not to mention how low the odds were of that happening, but if it was him, then of course something like that was bound to happen. It was excruciating just how typical a moment like this was for Tavros. The musician seemed pretty dumbfounded, too, before he burst into laughter that made Tavros' face burn.

“Now ain't that a motherfucking miracle!” the busker exclaimed, shaking his beat-up guitar to hear the coin rattle around inside. “I never seen that happen before. Must be my lucky day.” That was anything but luck on Tavros' end. He tried to laugh through his embarrassment and apologized, but the other shook his head. “Don't be! I all up and needed that today. Mumford and Sons, right?”

Tavros was surprised he'd remembered. He nodded, and without bothering to take the coin out, the busker started playing a new song after Tavros had so rudely interrupted his other one.

 

“It's empty in the valley of your heart  
The sun, it rises slowly as you walk  
Away from all the fears and all the faults you've left behind”

 

This time, the bus was running late enough that Tavros was able to hear the whole song. It helped distract him from his humiliation and gave him something to focus on other than the ticking seconds. He ended up really liking how the musician played this one, and how strong his odd voice was when he sang the chorus, growing louder as the song neared its end. It turned the heads of other passerby's and earned him a couple more dollars, and Tavros was glad to see it. The guy seemed to work really hard.

 

“And I will hold on hope, and I won't let you choke  
On the noose around your neck  
And I'll find strength in pain  
And I will change my ways!  
I'll know my name as it's called again!”

 

The song came to an end too soon. Tavros did something brave and clapped for him, even though nobody else was, and the proud busker pretended to bow before placing his hands back on the strings. Tavros thought he was starting another song, but as he quietly plucked a simple tune, he turned to him and spoke.

“So what's yours, brother?”

Tavros blinked, having been caught off guard by the question. “Huh?”

“Your name. What do they call ya?”

“O-oh, uh, it's...Tavros,” he answered slowly, unsure if giving out his name to a stranger was a good idea, but it's not like he could refuse after the other just played a whole song for him. Despite how he looked, he seemed nice enough.

“It's hella nice to meet ya, Tavbro.” Tavbro? Did he mishear, or was that on purpose? “Mine's Gamzee. Gamzee Makara. You outta do yourself a favor and remember it, 'cause it's gonna be up on that billboard over there some day.” Gamzee pointed up at the billboard looming across the street showing an ad for an insurance company. Tavros wasn't sure if he was being serious or if that smirk on his face was meant to be joking.

“I, uh, can't wait,” he said, offering the smallest of smiles back. Gamzee went back to aimlessly fiddling with his instrument.

“You ain't from here, are ya?”

Tavros felt his stomach sink with self-consciousness. They'd barely spoken to each other and he could already tell! Was it really that obvious? “Er, y-yeah, I'm from the east side. Of, um, the state, I mean.”

“East side, damn,” Gamzee whistled. “Ain't it nothing but corn fields and cows over there?”

“Yeah, pretty much.”

“Heh, that explains it.”

“...Explains what?”

“Why you're all wide eyes and wonder. The city must be a wild place for a country boy like you.”

He wasn't wrong. Tavros sheepishly rubbed the back of his neck. “It, uh, definitely takes some time getting used to...”

“Well, looks like you're up and doing pretty good so far, motherfucker, so keep it up.”

Tavros didn't know how to respond to that. Gamzee had no idea just how wrong he was, but it wasn't like Tavros could tell him. He'd just ask why, and Tavros would struggle to explain his struggles, and the other wouldn't get it, and Tavros would feel stupid. He'd been through this song and dance too many times to know that it was best to stay quiet.

“Thanks,” was all he could manage, right as the bus rounded the corner and pulled up to the stop. Gamzee went into a new song as Tavros boarded and it pulled away, and he wasn't sure what it was.

 

* * *

 

The next time Tavros saw him on his way back from physical therapy, Gamzee's makeup was different. It looked less like a clown face and more like a skull this time, and Tavros couldn't help but wonder at the incredible detail of the grinning white teeth painted over his lips.

“Like what you see?”

Tavros' heart leaped to his throat at having been caught staring and he quickly deposited his donation into the open guitar case. Gamzee chuckled at his embarrassment as he quickly rolled away.”S-sorry!”

“No need, I know I'm pretty. Spent a whole motherfucking hour on it this morning, so someone best be gettin' their appreciation on.”

Was it just Tavros, or was the bus stop closer to where Gamzee sat than usual? “It, uh, looks good,” he assured. It really did, in a weird way. Clearly he put a lot of time and effort into it, but the reason why was still unclear. “What's with the – um, I mean...why do you paint your face like that? Is it for your act?”

“Somethin' like that,” Gamzee shrugged. “Today's special, though. I got a gig at a bar later, so I gotta up and put on the motherfuckin' ritz.”

It was good to hear he'd found some work. “That's really great, Gamzee. I'm happy for you.”

Gamzee grinned proudly, giving the skull on his face some extra teeth. “Thanks! Hey, you outta come, Tavbro. I can get ya in for free, seeing how you're my number one fan and all.”

“Oh, uh, n-no, that's okay,” Tavros automatically declined as kindly as he could. Bars weren't really his thing. Or at least, he didn't think they were. He'd never actually been to one before, but from what he'd seen on TV and heard from his brother, it was s omething that other people did. “I can't, sorry. But I hope you have fun!”

Gamzee's smile might have fallen a little, but he looked down to position his fingers on the strings in his lap before it could be seen. “S'all good. Offer's open, though, if you up and change your mind. It's at 8 o'clock at Boxcars Bar on Midnight Avenue.”

Tavros nodded politely as Gamzee started playing yet another Mumford song. This was starting to become a routine, Tavros noticed, giving up a coffee's worth of change to listen to the busker's covers. He wondered if Gamzee was always on this street corner or if he only came here at certain times, which just happened to be when Tavros got out of physical therapy. He didn't remember seeing him here before.

 

“Well I came home  
Like a stone  
And I fell heavy into your arms

These days of dust  
Which we've known  
Will blow away with this new sun

But I'll kneel down  
Wait for now  
And I'll kneel down  
Know my ground

And I will wait, I will wait for you  
And I will wait, I will wait for you”

 

When the bus arrived and Tavros waited for the ramp to lower, Gamzee cut the song short to shout a final reminder at him, “Boxcars, 8 o'clock!”

“O-okay, thanks!” Tavros called back as the doors shut behind him. He spent the whole bus ride thinking about Gamzee's invitation more than he probably should have. It sounded like he really wanted Tavros to be there for some reason, as if he wanted to be friends? That was ridiculous, though, who in their right mind would want to be friends with Tavros? A person like Gamzee probably already had a ton of way more interesting friends than Tavros could ever be, ones who didn't stutter when they spoke or needed a ramp to get anywhere. He was probably just being nice to make sure Tavros kept giving him money.

If he were Rufio, he would have taken the offer up in a heartbeat. Rufio was the kind of guy that did spontaneous things like that, and he was the kind of guy that always got away with whatever trouble he might get into. But Tavros was not Rufio. He couldn't just go meet up with a guy he barely knew at a bar without things going horribly wrong somehow. He'd show up just to find out it didn't have wheelchair access, or he'd accidentally brush against the butt of some angry drunk dude's girlfriend while he navigated the crowd, or Gamzee would try talking to Tavros more and realize just how boring and annoying to be around he really was. Those kinds of adventures were for other people, not for Tavros.

He didn't go to Boxcars Bar that night. Instead, he spent the whole time telling himself that he didn't want to go, anyway.


	2. Chapter 2

“Hey Tavbro,” Gamzee greeted as Tavros approached, his makeup back to normal. He extended his fist, and it took a moment for Tavros to realize he wanted a fist-bump. However, Tavros was in the middle of fishing out a dollar bill when he tried to meet it, and he ended up getting overwhelmed by doing two things at once and dropped his whole wallet into the guitar case. Tavros was too tired from yet another pointless session of physical therapy to do more than sigh in disappointment with himself while Gamzee picked it up for him.

“Hey now, I know I'm good but I ain't that good,” he said with a teasing grin. Tavros had a hard time making eye contact as he took his wallet back and apologized. “You alright, motherfucker?”

“I'm fine,” Tavros said, the phrase practically a mantra at this point. “Did your, um, gig go well?”

The change of topic distracted Gamzee enough to drop his raised eyebrow. “Hell yeah it did! They all up an' asked me to come back next week. They might even fuckin' make me a contract if this keeps up!” Thankfully he didn't bring up Tavros' absence.

“That's great! You'll be too good for this street corner soon enough.”

“Nah, this corner's been the thing that's too good for me. You won't be getting' rid of me that easy.”

Tavros was kind of glad for that. Despite how much he'd embarrassed himself every time they met, hearing Gamzee's music always seemed to help lift his spirits some after falling on his ass a couple dozen times. He was always willing to talk to Tavros, too, and though it was probably just him trying to keep the donations coming, it was still appreciated.

“So how's the therapy going?”

On second thought, Tavros wished Gamzee would just ignore him like everyone else. “Uh...how do you know about that?”

“I see you always rolling on out the clinic up the street from here. Plus, you got those sick-ass cyborg legs of yours goin' on.” Gamzee motioned to Tavros' prosthetics that stuck out like a sore thumb from his shorts. He wished he could wear pants to conceal them better, but it was too hard to get them on and off when he couldn't bend his knees. “Will I get to see those motherfuckers in action soon?”

“P-probably not,” Tavros said, eyes moving to the left again as he grew increasingly anxious with this topic. “I don't...um...I'm not very...” He was tripping over his words trying to think of how to say this. In the end, he just blurted it out. “It's probably not going to happen.”

“Aw, how come?”

Because it was too hard? He was a failure at everything? Because walking is just another one of those things that other people do? None of this was easily explained in the few minutes he had until the bus came, nor did he want to get into it with someone who was still a stranger and likely didn't actually care. “I don't know.”

“Hmmm.”

Gamzee gave Tavros a look he knew all too well. People always looked at him like that when he showed any kind of doubt in himself. They always said something like, 'You can do it! Just believe in yourself! Don't give up!' as if a pep talk would solve all of Tavros' problems, but all it did was make him feel worse. They could call him a pessimist all they wanted, but none of them actually understood what it was like living under everyone else's expectations. They see one amputee learn how to walk again and everyone expects that Tavros is naturally going to do the exact same thing, as if it doesn't take any hard work at all! In some ways, that was worse than when people thought he was totally hopeless. At least those people weren't wrong.

“I think you can do it.” Well, at least Gamzee kept it short and simple.

“Thanks,” Tavros said with a distinct lack of enthusiasm and started rolling towards the bus stop. Gamzee had definitely been gradually moving his act closer to the flag, it seemed, and now there was only a couple feet of distance between them.

“You might not think you can, but I do,” Gamzee clarified.

“Why's that?” Tavros asked dryly. Maybe he shouldn't be so rude to someone who was just trying to help, but it'd been a long day, and Tavros was not in the mood to put up with this familiar song and dance right now.

“Dunno,” the musician shrugged as he plucked at his guitar strings. “I just do. Does a motherfucker need a reason?”

“Kind of, yeah.”

“Let's just say...” Gamzee's tone was deceptively casual as he swept some hair out of his face, fingertips lingering on the scar just over his right eye, barely visible under the heavy white paint. “I know a thing or two about getting knocked down. Turns out there's no difference between the folks that stay down and the folks that get back up. Ain't no special magic to it. Just takes a couple hundred more tries than you'd think it should, is all.”

“Then what's even the point?” Tavros grumbled under his breath.

“That's up to you.” People often had a hard time hearing him when he was trying to be heard, so why is it that when he wasn't, Gamzee did? “The fact that any of us are here at all is a motherfucking miracle in itself. Just don't give up on yourself, brother, or it'll be the last thing you ever do.”

Tavros kept his mouth shut after that, if only to get Gamzee to stop talking to him about this. The busker started playing the song he still owed, though he didn't get very far into it before the bus came, and Tavros was quick to leave. He just wanted today to be over.

 

“And after the storm  
I run and run as the rains come  
And I look up, I look up  
On my knees and out of luck,  
I look up

Night has always pushed up day  
You must know life to see decay  
But I won't rot, I won't rot  
Not this mind and not this heart,  
I won't rot

And I took you by the hand  
And we stood tall  
And remembered our own land  
What we lived for

But there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears  
And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears  
Get over your hill and see what you find there  
With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair.”

 

* * *

 

As much as Tavros tried not to think about it, those words ended up sticking with him for the rest of the week. Thinking back on it, he felt bad for dismissing Gamzee the way he had. Sure he was frustrated, but he had no right to act like that to someone who'd been nothing but kind. He was worried when he got out of his next session that passing by Gamzee was going to be awkward now, but to his relief, the busker didn't seem to take enough offense to his attitude to withhold one of his signature smiles.

“'Sup, Tavbro?” He held up his fist again, and this time, Tavros was more prepared for it. He bumped it with his own and dropped a dollar into the open case, this time without incident, thank goodness, but he noticed something off about Gamzee today. He wasn't wearing any face paint, which only helped make the scars and shadows under his eyes more prominent, and his voice was noticeably more gravelly than usual. Not only that, but his guitar case was completely empty. Usually there were a couple other loose bills and coins in it before Tavros gave his.

“Hey Gamzee. Uh, how are you?”

“Feelin' like a bonafied miracle, brother.” A large yawn followed. “Could use a coffee, though. With, like, a shot of dope in it.” Tavros tried to smile to cover up his sudden knee-jerk fright at that statement. Gamzee wasn't serious, was he? Oh god, what if the money Tavros gave him was going to drugs this whole time? The busker read Tavros' nervous expression and laughed. “I'm just kidding, I don't do that shit no more. Been clean for a year now and I ain't up an' planning to go back.”

Tavros relaxed. “Oh, that's good. R-really good! Good job.” Suddenly some of what he'd said last time was making more sense. Recovering from addiction while living on the street couldn't have been easy.

“Thanks!” Gamzee beamed. “Now it's just me and Mary Jane, but she's way more chill.” Oh. So he _did_ still do drugs. Tavros was glad it was only pot, though, seeing how it was legal now, and there were far worse things he could be doing. Such as heroine. “Anyways, my gig last night ran real late. I've barely had any winks since then, and I almost didn't make it out here in time today.”

“In time for what?”

“To see you, motherfucker!” Wait, really? Gamzee came out here today just to see him?! Surely Tavros' measly dollar wasn't worth losing sleep over! “Can't up and leave my number one fan hanging, can I? Especially after I went and practiced this puppy for you all week. Check it out!”

The moment Gamzee placed his hands on his instrument, they were ardently flying over the strings like a bull out of the gate. Though his voice was still hoarse from last night's show, he put everything he had into singing this song, which he'd apparently learned just for Tavros.

 

“I know the time has numbered my days  
And I'll go along with everything you say  
But I'll ride home laughing, look at me now  
For the walls of my tower they come crumbling down  
And my ears hear the call of my unborn sons  
And I know my choices color all I've done  
But I'll explain it all to the watchman's son  
I ain't ever lived a year better spent in love.”

 

As Tavros listened to Gamzee's cover of Babel, he couldn't help but wonder what this was all for. The way Gamzee talked, it didn't sound like this was part of his usual busking routine. He learned a whole new song and then dragged himself here on what should have been his day off just to play it for Tavros. Why? Because of their conversation last time, maybe? Did he pity Tavros that much?

…

No, that wasn't it. As easy as that explanation would be, Gamzee didn't quite act like how other people did when they pitied him. Could it be that...Gamzee really did want to be friends? Even after Tavros blew him off last time? Not to mention all of the clumsy things he's done in front of him, like knocking over his guitar case and stuttering like a dying car. But there was no other explanation, was there? What on God's green earth made Gamzee want to be his friend?!

_I know a thing or two about getting knocked down._

Maybe...it's because he understood?

 

“Press my nose up to the glass around your heart  
I should've known I was weaker from the start  
You'll build your walls, and I will play my bloody part  
To tear, tear them down  
Well I'm gonna tear, tear them down

'Cause I know my weakness, know my voice  
And I'll believe in grace and choice  
And I know perhaps my heart is fast  
But I'll be born without a mask.”

 

“Um...thank you,” Tavros said when the jubilant song came to an end, his voice so quiet it was almost drowned out by the passing cars. “And, I'm sorry...for last time, I mean.”

“No worries, we all have those days,” Gamzee waved it off easily. “You feelin' any better?”

Tavros nodded, unable to stop the smile growing on his lips. “Yeah. I think I am.”

 

* * *

 

Going to physical therapy wasn't quite as bad as it used to be. Yes, it still felt like a chore, and he still wasn't making any progress, but at least he had something to look forward to after it was done. He ended up going to the bus stop earlier so that he'd have more time to chat with the regular performer on the corner, who was always happy to see him and excited to play a new song.

Gamzee had gone through nearly all of the Mumford and Sons songs there were at this point, even the less popular ones, but Tavros enjoyed his unique renditions of them all the same, especially knowing they were all learned just for him. It's not like Tavros was a huge Mumford fan, but it was kind of a tradition now. He made sure to always keep some extra dollars on hand to thank him for his efforts, and one time he brought Gamzee a cup of hot cocoa to warm his fingers in the chilly late autumn air. He really appreciated it, and Tavros relished the feeling.

One day, while Gamzee was finishing up his version of Timshel and Tavros was holding an umbrella up to shield them both from the rain, a ringing noise coming from his back pocket interrupted him. He stopped the music and pulled out his phone, an old beat up knock-off brand with so many cracks in its little screen that it was a wonder he could read the caller's name. “Whoop, sorry Tavbro, I gotta take this.”

Tavros didn't mind. He settled back to watch the traffic while the other answered his phone, and he didn't mean to eavesdrop, but the voice coming out the other end was so loud that he couldn't help but hear every word, as well as some weird high pitched wailing noises in the background.

“ _Gamzee, where the taint chaffing fuck are you?!”_

“Hey Karbro,” Gamzee greeted with a fond smile, despite the other's clearly aggravated tone. “It's motherfuckin' Tuesday, brother, you know where I all up and am.”

“ _It's raining, you dipshit. Why are you out busking in the rain? Are you trying to get sick?”_

“Nah, it's cool, I've got a wicked brother keeping me dry. What's up?”

“ _I'm at home wondering where my dumbass clown went in this weather. Seriously, if you get sick, I'm not taking care of you again. You actually have a place to go now, so it'll be your own damn fault.”_

Gamzee had a place to live? Wow, that's great! Tavros wondered why he didn't mention it, though.

“I ain't gonna get sick,” Gamzee rolled his eyes. “Tavbro's making sure of that.”

“ _Tav-who? Oh, right, that guy you keep seeing. You still haven't done anything about that, have you?”_

“Er...no.” Gamzee's tone changed, like he was suddenly nervous, and his eyes shifted to Tavros for a brief moment. “Heh, I got no idea what you're on about, brother.”

“ _What, am I on speakerphone?”_

“May as well be,” he grumbled. This was the first time Tavros had ever seen the clinically carefree man even slightly irritated at something. What it was, he wasn't sure. “Not that I don't got my appreciation on for a check-up, but did ya need somethin'?”

“ _Actually, yes. Sollux isn't here and Pissbaby got her ass stuck in the cupboard above the fridge again. She's fine, but she's howling her guts out like the dramatic retard she is and the neighbors are probably halfway to filing a noise complaint by now. Could you please come back and put your freakishly long limbs to good use?”_

“Oh shit, poor thing!”

“ _Poor my ass. Spare her your sympathy, she did this to herself and fucking deserves what she gets.”_

“Heh, yeah, alright. I'll be on over there in a few.”

“ _Thanks. See you soon.”_

Gamzee hung up and started gathering his things. “Sorry, Tav, looks like I need to go rescue my friend's cat.”

“Was that your roommate?” Tavros asked. Gamzee scratched his chin.

“Eh, kind of. I'm crashing on Karkat's couch. We've been best friends since we was kids, but his dad's the religious type and didn't like me bein' around. Brother just got his own place, though, so now I got somewhere to be when the weather ain't being miraculous. Don't wanna overstay my welcome, though, he's got another roommate who don't want me around that much if I ain't paying. I try to up and give them some kinda rent when I can, but I ain't taking home that much from my gigs quite yet.”

“Oh, wow. I'm glad you have someone looking out for you, though. I was starting to wonder about that, uh, since we're going into winter soon.”

“Aw, you up and worried about me, Tavvy?” Gamzee batted his eyelashes like a swooning girl.

Tavros snorted. “Maybe a little, yeah.”

“Awww, what a motherfucking sweetheart you are.” Tavros knew Gamzee was just teasing, but the pet name still warmed his face, regardless. “Ain't no need to fuss over little old me, though, I'll be just fine. Been through a hell of a lot worse, that's for sure.”

The musician began to get up from his spot on the ground, and Tavros realized that after all of the time they'd spent together, this was the first time he'd ever seen Gamzee actually standing up. Wow, he really was super tall! Tavros couldn't hold up the umbrella high enough to cover him, and he was about to comment on it when something else stole his attention while Gamzee lifted the strap of his guitar over his head and gingerly placed the beloved instrument into its case. It rattled when he turned it over, like there was something metallic inside. Wait, was that-

“Is that...my quarter?” Tavros asked, and Gamzee paused, taking a moment to figure out what he was referring to.

“Oh, yeah! It is.”

“Is it stuck in there or something?”

“Nah, I can take it out if I want to. I just don't want to.”

It'd been inside the guitar this whole time? “Why? Does it, uh, sound better with it in there, or something?”

Gamzee laughed. “It's my good luck charm!”

“Wha...but, it's just a quarter?”

“It's not just a quarter.” He shook the guitar a little to jingle it. “It's a _miracle_ quarter.”

“...Gamzee, how high are you right now?”

“Yes,” he nodded. “But this got nothing to do with that, brother. Ever since you dropped it in there, I've been having all kinds of good fortune comin' to me, I swear it.”

“Like what?”

Gamzee opened his mouth to answer, but took a thoughtful pause before responding. “Er...you know. Lots of stuff.” He slung the guitar over his shoulder and shoved his other hand in his pocket. “Like, gettin' to hang out with you. That's been pretty bitch tits wicked.”

Usually Gamzee wasn't so careful with his words. His jaw was on loose hinges that let pretty much anything in his head tumble out with no filter, but Tavros was too busy being flattered by the compliment to take too much notice of the slight change in his demeanor. “O-oh, uh, that's really...um, thanks?”

Gamzee smiled and took his hand back out to affectionately ruffle Tavros' hair. “I'll see you next time, Tavbro. Keep it real!”

With that, he put his hood up and walked away into the drizzle, leaving Tavros with the umbrella. Tavros bid him farewell, and while he sat there waiting at the bus stop alone, it felt kind of weird to not have Gamzee singing and joking next to him for once. It wasn't just that, though. His chest was tight and his body felt kind of warm. Was Tavros the one coming down with something?

 

* * *

 

“I'm afraid I up and got some bad news for ya, Tavbro.”

“What is it?”

“I'm out of Mumford and Sons songs.”

Tavros gasped like this was the scandal of the century. “Say it isn't so!”

“It's true,” Gamzee nodded solemnly. “You're gonna have to request somethin' else this time around.”

Wow. He knew this would eventually happen, but it still caught Tavros by surprise. It kind of felt like the end of an era, and while he was tempted to tell Gamzee to just repeat the ones he's already done, he knew the musician would probably like a break from Mumford. “Okay, uhhh...how about...” Tavros was back at the problem he had at the start. While Gamzee would probably learn to play just about anything Tavros asked for, he didn't want to force him to play something he didn't like. “How about, um, you play something you like,” he suggested.

Gamzee shook his head. “Nah, I've been playin' stuff I like all day. Gimme something fresh.”

Drats. “Hmmm...okay, what about...” Tavros wracked his brain for ideas, and finally, one came to him. “Oh! How about, the first song you ever learned to play?”

A look of surprise came over him. “Shit, son, now _that_ takes me back... Sure, I can give it a shot.” His hands positioned themselves on his instrument, and then re-positioned. It took him a moment to find the correct placement, the gears in his head visibly spinning to remember the notes. “It's been a long motherfuckin' ass time, so bare with me.”

Tavros nodded, willing to wait however long it took. He was really curious now. The first couple strums were slow and experimental, Gamzee's eyes closed in concentration, until a slow melody finally made its way out of the jumble. Tavros listened intently, wondering if he'd know the song, and sure enough, it did sound familiar to him. He wasn't sure exactly what it was, though, until Gamzee opened his mouth and began to sing.

 

“Well I've heard there was a secret chord  
That David played, and it pleased the Lord  
But you don't really care for music, do you?”

 

Oh, it was Hallelujah! How unexpected, and yet somehow, it suited him.

Though, as he continued to play, Tavros started to notice some little things that came off as strange. The voice he was using was lilted slightly higher than his usual baritone, and it was also very quiet, just barely above a whisper. He hunched over his guitar like he thought it was going to leap out of his lap, and his usual blissful smile when he played music was nowhere to be seen.

 

“Well your faith was strong, but you needed proof

You saw her bathing on the roof  
Her beauty in the moonlight overthrew ya  
“She tied you to her kitchen chair,  
She broke your throne, and she cut your hair  
And from your lips, she drew the Hallelujah

Hallelujah  
Hallelujah...  
Hallelujah  
Hallelujah...”

 

Was it just Tavros, or did Gamzee's knit eyebrows kind of look like he was in pain? It was a melancholy song, though, so maybe that was just part of the performance.

 

“But baby, I've been here before  
I've seen this room, and I've walked this floor  
You know, I used to live alone before I knew ya...  
And I've seen your flag on the marble arch  
And love is not a victory march,  
It's a cold, and it's a _broken_ Hallelujah...

Hallelujah  
Hallelujah...  
Hallelujah  
Hallelujah...”

 

Gamzee's voice suddenly cracking on the word 'broken' answered that question. No, this wasn't an act, there was something about this song that was making Gamzee genuinely sad. Tavros didn't mean for this! He wanted to tell him he could stop, but before he could, Gamzee's voice suddenly grew louder and stronger, and he tipped his head back for the last half of the verse, eyes shut tight and brow lowered in a sudden flash of uncharacteristic anger that made Tavros flinch.

 

“Maybe there's a God above  
But all I've ever learned from love  
Was how to shoot somebody who outdrew ya...

And it's not a cry that you hear at night,  
It's not somebody who's seen the light!  
It's a cold, and it's a broken Hallelujah!”

 

Not a moment after a single tear ran down his cheek did he go back to that disconcerting calm, the emotion evaporating from him in an instant, leaving him lost in the melody. He probably wouldn't have heard Tavros speaking to him, anyway.

 

“Hallelujah  
Hallelujah...  
Hallelujah  
Hallelujah...”

 

It wasn't until the final few notes petered out under his fingertips that he came back to his senses. Gamzee opened his eyes and blinked like he didn't know where he was at first, and when he saw Tavros's worried look, he quickly cleared his throat and tried wiping the tear track off his face, haphazardly smearing his paint while he attempted to compose himself.

“Heh, uh, sorry about that, brother. Don't know what came over me.”

“Are you okay?” Tavros asked carefully.

“Yeah, yeah! I'm fine. I just...” He took a deep breath. “...That song brings back memories, is all.”

Clearly. Tavros desperately wanted to know what kind of memories after all of that whiplash, but he wasn't sure how to ask without sounding like he was prying. “Do you...um, want to talk about it?”

The other was quiet for a moment as he pondered the offer. “Not really,” he finally said, looking down at his guitar.

Tavros nodded. He was curious about what would make his friend cry like that, but he wasn't going to push it if Gamzee didn't want to tell him. He was mostly just sorry he brought it up in the first place.

A whole minute went by with them sitting next to each other in an uneasy silence. A strange feeling had settled over them which neither of them knew how to approach. Tavros was starting to think it was going to be like this until his bus came, and he was in the middle of inwardly cursing himself for ruining the mood with his bad idea when Gamzee suddenly spoke.

“My dad taught it to me,” he said, eyes fixed blankly to the opposite side of the street in front of them, “before he left.”

“Oh.” Didn't he not want to talk about it? Or...maybe he needed to. “How old were you?”

“Seven.”

Of course, just when Gamzee was starting to open up, the bus came around the corner. Tavros didn't want to go yet, though. He couldn't just leave Gamzee like this! As it approached, Tavros made an impulsive decision and shook his head at the driver, signaling that he wasn't planning to get on. The driver saw it and sped past them, and Gamzee finally looked back at Tavros with confusion. “Tav-”

“There will be another bus,” Tavros assured. Gamzee looked like he wanted to protest, but it died on his lips when he realized it would be pointless now, anyway. Instead, he slumped over and leaned his head on Tavros' left wheel.

“Thanks.”

Tavros put a hand on his shoulder and let him stay there as long as he needed until he was ready to continue. It was getting late, so there weren't a lot of people passing by, thank goodness. It felt like this should have been a private moment, but there was nowhere else for them to go.

“I was seven when Dad left me, Ma, and Kurloz. It was the second worst thing that bastard ever up and did, the first being when he came back.”

Gamzee told Tavros about his childhood that day. About how his older brother got mixed up with a cult and ran away from home not long after their dad left, and the teen was never seen or heard from again. How most of his memories of his mother were of her so drunk that she couldn't even remember his name. How his father finally came back when she got sick, only so that he could take what little was left of their home and sell it off the moment she died, giving Gamzee his scars with a broken bottle when he dared to fight back, and leaving him to drop out of school and fend for himself at the age of fifteen. He'd been on the street ever since, surviving only on the charity of others and sheer dumb luck. Tavros knew there had to be a sad story behind Gamzee's situation, but he didn't expect... _this._

Knowing what he did now, Tavros was bewildered that Gamzee turned out the way he did. He had some run-ins with the law and did time as an addict for a couple years, but he wasn't the type of person Tavros would have expected from such a history. He was too nice to have had all of that happen to him. Too optimistic. Too stubborn, holding onto his dreams of being a world famous rock star while sleeping on park benches. His guitar was the only thing that got him through any of it, he said. If it weren't for that old thing, he was sure he'd be face down in a ditch somewhere. It was the only thing he carried with him from his past, and the only thing he had to count on for his future.

He was incredible.

Tavros felt guilty for getting so worked up over his own problems, which felt so insignificant in comparison. Losing his legs had been a nightmare, yeah, and depression sucked, but at least he still had his family, who were always there and supported him through anything. When he admitted as much, though, Gamzee was adamant that Tavros not think that way. “Don't matter 'bout what me or anyone else is up and goin' through. There's always gonna be a worse off motherfucker, but that don't make your shit any less real.”

Tavros tried to remind himself of that as he went home, and when he arrived a whole hour later than usual, Rufio was pissed that Tavros didn't at least send him a text telling him he was okay. His brother's overbearing concern didn't bother him as much as it usually did, though. Tavros was just glad to see him.

 

* * *

 

“ _Yo, Tavbro, wassup?”_

Tavros placed his phone between his shoulder and ear so that he could keep his hands on his handheld while he talked. “Hi, Gamzee! Not much, just playing a game. What's up with you?”

It wasn't the first time Gamzee had called him. They exchanged numbers awhile back and texted each other regularly, but never about anything important, just to say hi on the days when they didn't see each other. Homelessness was really boring, according to Gamzee, so he always responded pretty fast whenever Tavros sent him a message. He seemed to prefer voice chat whenever he could, though. Probably because his phone's screen was so broken.

“ _Cool, cool. Uh...”_ There was a slight pause before Gamzee continued. _“...Hey, so, I up and got me a favor to ask of ya...”_

He sounded nervous. Tavros paused his game. “What is it?”

“ _You looked outside and seen all that pretty miracle powder yet?”_

“Um, you mean the snow?” He took a quick peek through the blinds next to his bed to see the white-covered buildings and thick flakes falling from the sky. It practically dumped onto the city with no warning in the middle of the day, turning the place into utter chaos. Luckily, Tavros didn't have to go anywhere that day, but his brother was staying the night at a coworker's place that was closer than home, just to be safe. “Yeah, it's crazy out there. You're keeping warm at Karkat's place, right?”

“ _Er...well...not quite.”_ Tavros sat up. _“I kinda got myself up and locked outta the motherfucking apartment. I don't got a spare key, and Karkat and Sollux are both snowed in at their work clear across town. Karbro just told me he don't think they're gonna make it home tonight, so, I'm kinda...”_

“Do you need a place to stay?”

There was a puff of air through the speaker. _“If you and your brother wouldn't mind?”_

“Rufio got trapped at work, too,” Tavros informed, “but I'm sure he wouldn't mind.” Or, at least, what he didn't know wouldn't hurt him. “And, uh, I don't, either.” If Gamzee had nowhere else to stay out in this weather then of course Tavros would take him in! It's not like he could leave him out there to become a clownsicle.

“ _Messiahs be smilin', you're a motherfuckin' miracle, my man! I'm getting my thanks on so hard right now, you better believe!”_

“No problem!” Tavros said, smiling from the excitement in the other's voice. “Where are you right now?”

“ _In a cafe by the Derse district.”_ Wow, that was kind of far away from the Prospit district where Tavros lived. It didn't sound like Gamzee had any choice but to make the trek, though. If only Tavros could help, but his wheelchair would only make it three feet from his door before sliding off into a sewer or something. He needed to get some chains. _“There's one bus still running that can take me closer, but I'll have to up and walk the rest of it.”_

“Please tell me you're at least wearing a coat,” Tavros asked. Gamzee said that he was, thank goodness, and he even had a hat, so he wasn't completely unprepared for the journey. Still, his shoes weren't ideal, and he didn't have any gloves or a scarf. “Be careful,” he was told pointedly.

Gamzee laughed. _“Don't you go worrying your little head off, brother, I know how to deal with this kinda shit. Been doing it a long time.”_ That didn't make Tavros feel any better. _“It'll take me, like, an hour or two to get to Prospit, so I'll call you up when I get there. Can I have the address?”_

When Tavros was done giving him directions, Gamzee thanked him profusely before promising to see him soon. It wasn't until Tavros hung up that it fully hit him what was happening.

Gamzee was coming over.

Tavros spent the next hour and a half tidying up the apartment, cleaning his room, and shoving the dirty laundry on his floor under his bed. He didn't think Gamzee would judge him for being a bit messy, but he still felt the need to make a good first impression, seeing how this would be the first time they hung out at his place. He was staying the night, too, which was something Tavros wasn't accustomed to. He'd never had sleepovers as a kid, that being one of those things that other people do, and he felt completely unprepared as he rolled around the place like a nervous mouse. It wasn't until he got the call from Gamzee that Tavros realized he didn't even have his legs on, and it was far too late to do anything about that. Shit.

A knock at the door made his heart leap to his throat. “C-coming!” When he opened it, he was blasted with a rush of cold winter air, and on his doorstep, a tall shivering man with his hands crammed in his lumpy coat tried to smile through his chattering teeth.

“H-hey, Tavb-bro, I m-made it!” Well, at least Tavros wasn't the only one with a stutter anymore.

He backed up and ushered his freezing friend inside, shutting the door as fast as he could to keep the heat in. “Are you okay?”

“Oh ye-eah, I'm motherf-fuckin' peachy,” he said as caked-on snow flaked off his jeans onto the floor. Tavros kept him standing on the mat for now as he rushed to grab him a towel. “L-lovely day f-for a stroll, h-huh?”

“Um, you should probably take a shower, to warm up,” Tavros suggested when he came back. Gamzee pried his hands out of his pockets to take his beanie off and wipe the melting snow out of his windblown hair.

“That s-sounds motherfuckin' h-heavenly,” Gamzee agreed. “Who knew angels h-had fuckin' wheels, not w-wings?”

When most of the snow had been brushed off, Tavros showed him to the bathroom and gave him some fresh clothes. The shirt was his, but the sweatpants were Rufio's, since all Tavros owned was shorts. While Gamzee washed up and got the chill out of his bones, Tavros thew Gamzee's soggy clothes into the wash, but not before having to take all of the crumpled up newspaper out from inside the pockets and lining of his coat. He wondered how much that really helped to keep out the cold.

His guest took a pretty long shower, but Tavros didn't mind. He needed it after what he'd gone through today just to get here. He emerged from the bathroom looking like a new man, wet hair weighed down on his shoulders and face clean of any makeup, muscles relaxed and clearly far more comfortable than before, despite Tavros' shirt being a little snug on him. But he had no complaints as he tiredly dropped like a sack of bricks face-down onto the couch and sighed all of the air out of his body in one go.

“Better?” Tavros rolled up to his head and asked. A muffled 'yes' came out from the cushions, as well as another 'thank you.' “No problem,” Tavros replied for the tenth time, “I'm just glad you're safe. Uh, are you hungry? I can get you some dinner.”

Gamzee lifted his head. “Fuck, I really did up and die out there, didn't I? I think there was some kinda mix-up, though, 'cause I'm in the wrong place.”

Tavros took that as a yes. He laughed and backed up to go to the kitchen. “No, you're definitely in the right place. I, uh, can't really cook, so I hope cup noodles and toast is okay with you.”

“Motherfucker, you could put butter on a rock and I'd call it gourmet right about now.”

Having Gamzee in his apartment was weird. Not a bad weird, just weird. Different. He never would have expected that he'd be eating dinner on his couch with this person when he first met him, but here they were, and it was surprisingly kind of...cozy. They watched some TV as they ate their noodles, and to Tavros' relief, Gamzee didn't say anything about his stumps. Most people were either freaked out by or morbidly curious of the flabby skin and scars, but it's like Gamzee didn't care – or even notice. He didn't ask invasive questions or stare. For once, Tavros felt kind of normal.

“Hey, isn't that the thing you're into? Fidu-spawn?” Gamzee was pointing at a commercial on the TV, and Tavros smiled, surprised that he'd remembered.

“Yeah! I'm really excited for the new game coming out. It's supposed to be really good.”

“That's cool. I see people playing with each other on the street with their phones sometimes, it looks like a good time. You ever do that?”

“Uh, well, no...I don't like strifing my Fiduspawns all that much,” Tavros admitted. That would mean going places and talking to people. No thank you. “I just like to catch and raise them.”

“How many ya got?”

Oh man, Gamzee was going to regret asking that. “I'll show you!”

It took some effort to get himself back in his chair, to his room to retrieve his handheld, and back again, but Tavros never got the chance to brag about his extensive Fiduspawn collection! He booted up the game and started scrolling through the pages and pages of digital monsters he'd spent years collecting and trading. Some of them probably would do well in a strife, but those were his favorites, and he didn't want to see them getting beaten up.

“This one is Baychu, he's a fire type. And this one is a Pishin! She's super rare, but I hatched her on my first try. See how her nose is orange?” Tavros held up the screen and Gamzee leaned in to see the tiny detail he was pointing at with his stylus. “That means she's going to lay an egg soon, and I'll have two of them!”

“That's motherfuckin' miraculous, brother,” Gamzee agreed, settling back on the couch and crossing an ankle over a knee. He propped his head up on his elbow with a lethargic smile as he watched more colorful cartoon creatures pop up on screen, all of which Tavros had a name and story for. Fiduspawn was kind of his life for awhile after the accident. It took his mind off things and gave him something to do while he healed.

“And this one is a legendary called Clarxion. I traded for it with a Solpo back when those were still really powerful, but then the next game nerfed them. I bet the guy regretted that decision, haha-”

Tavros thought Gamzee was leaning in again to better see the Fiduspawn he was talking about, but it turns out, Fiduspawn wasn't actually on Gamzee's mind at all. The feeling of chapped lips brushing his cheek took him so much by surprise that he nearly choked on the breath that hitched in his throat.

“Sorry,” Gamzee said with a sly grin as he pulled back to see the other's shock. “It's just that you're real cute when you get all talkative and I couldn't up and help myself.” Tavros was certainly not talking anymore. He couldn't seem to get any words past the heart hammering in his throat. The longer it took for Tavros to respond, and the redder his face became, the more Gamzee's smile started to fade to concern. “You okay, Tavbro?”

Yeah, why wouldn't he be? It's not like Gamzee just _kissed him_ or anything! “I'm...I-I'm fine,” he lied, “I just...I...um...you...” Gamzee was clearly not convinced. Panic was welling up in Tavros' gut and a shot of adrenaline triggered his fight or flight response. Of course, Tavros chose flight. “I just – I-I have to go to the bathroom!”

He'd never jumped into his wheelchair faster in all his life. He almost left skid marks on his way down the hall, and Gamzee called after him, but Tavros didn't stop until the bathroom door was shut and he was alone with his reflection in the mirror, which stared back at him with his own wide terrified eyes.

Oh god, what the hell was happening?! Gamzee couldn't just – did he – did Gamzee _like_ Tavros?! No, that wasn't...that wasn't right! Gamzee couldn't _like_ Tavros, that's not how this works! He can't just do that, that's not something that Tavros could-

It's not like he was-

That's-

Tavros splashed cold water in his face and tried to take deep breaths. The place Gamzee kissed him wouldn't stop tingling, as if his lips were still there. He could even feel the bump of his piercing.

 _Calm down, you idiot, you're just making this worse, for both you and for Gamzee! Gamzee doesn't know, nor would he understand._ You _don't even understand, but you_ know _that you can't do that. You don't get to be with someone the way other people do, otherwise –_

_Otherwise..._

Otherwise, Tavros would have kissed him back.

He wasn't sure exactly how long he was in the bathroom for, but it was definitely too long. He emerged when he finally calmed himself down enough to face Gamzee, and he found him on the couch where he'd left him, hunched over and running a hand through his drying hair. He looked up when his host came back, moving slow as if Tavros were a wild horse he didn't want to spook. “Hey.”

“Um, hi!” Tavros squeaked, trying too hard to force himself to sound normal. “Sorry, about that, I just...I needed a minute.”

“Should I go?” Gamzee asked suddenly. Tavros blinked in surprise.

“Wha – huh? N-no, of course not! Your clothes are still in the wash, and, it's still snowing-”

“I went and made you uncomfortable, didn't I?” Once again, Tavros was at a loss for words. He couldn't lie, but he couldn't tell him the truth, either. A couple seconds of silence seemed to be an answer enough for Gamzee, though, who frowned and hung his head. “...Shit, I fucked up.”

“Gamzee – it's okay. Really.” Tavros rolled a little closer. “I'm not mad.” Scared and confused, yes, but no, not mad.

“You sure?”

He nodded. “You just...surprised me, is all. I didn't know that you...well...”

Gamzee quirked an eyebrow. “Seriously? I've been flirtin' with ya since we met.”

He said it so matter-of-factly that it took a second for it to sink in. “Since we...wait, what?!”

“Guess I'm not so great at it,” Gamzee said with a shrug, gaze drifting to the right. “You never caught on?”

Just when Tavros' face was starting to go back to a normal color, it was lit on fire again. Is that really what all of those songs were for? Why he always chose to busk on that particular street corner? Why he was so nice and patient to Tavros, even when he was embarrassing himself? Why he kept that quarter in his guitar?

Gamzee realized he was short circuiting Tavros' brain again and coughed into his hand. “Uh, so anyway, yeah. Sorry I all up and dropped that bombshell on you so rude-like. I'll be outta your hair soon as the sun comes up.”

“You're fine,” Tavros quickly insisted, hearing the disappointment in Gamzee's voice and feeling horrible for crushing his heart like this, but he had no choice. Gamzee deserved so much better. “Um, it is getting late... I'll, bring you some blankets, and a pillow. Do you need anything else?”

Gamzee shook his head. Tavros retrieved some spare blankets from the closet and reached up to turn the heat up on the thermostat in the living room. Gamzee stayed quiet the whole time, offering only a quick goodnight when the light turned off. Tavros rushed to his room too fast to hear it.

The next morning, Tavros woke up to find that Gamzee was already gone. He left a sticky note from the pad on the fridge with one last thank you, and that was the last Tavros saw of him for a month.

 

 

 


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this last chapter is so short. I originally wrote this like it was a oneshot, but then I realized 13,000+ words is a little much for a oneshot, so the chapter splits ended up kind of uneven to match the story beats. I hope the ending is still satisfying, though!

Tavros stopped going to physical therapy. He had even less reason than ever to go, and he found that he just didn't care anymore, even when his brother nagged and guilt tripped him about it. Yes, the classes were expensive, which was precisely why Rufio should stop paying for them because they _weren't working._ When asked in the middle of a heated argument whether Tavros even wanted to walk again, Tavros said no. He didn't care anymore because there just wasn't a point.

It wasn't as freeing to give up as he thought it would be, though. He felt more alone than ever, but at least he knew loneliness well. It was familiar to him and had its own strange comfort to it. It made sense. It was how things always were and how they should be. There was nobody to disappoint.

Gamzee still sent him texts saying hi from time to time. Tavros never replied back, but it was good to know that he was okay. December had been harsh. Hopefully he was spending more time at Karkat's apartment these days.

It was hard to ignore the man he'd considered his friend, but he did it because he knew he should. He figured it was just going to hurt Gamzee more in the long run if they tried to stay friends. He knew better than to think they could go back to how things were, he wasn't stupid. He'd seen it happen time and time again to other people, and, as you well know by now, Tavros wasn't like other people. He might as well skip all of that unnecessary drama if he could.

Finally, after an entire month, Tavros ended up back in the clinic, though through no choice of his own. Rufio cut the internet at their apartment and refused to turn it back on until Tavros went back to his classes. It was still pointless, especially with his instructors noticing his complete lack of effort this time around. He was sent home early, to his relief, but as he rolled onto the sidewalk, he heard a familiar sound floating through the air that surprised him so much it made him automatically follow it. It was a guitar.

Gamzee.

Gamzee was _still_ busking on this street. Sure enough, when Tavros rounded the corner, he saw him, sitting on a towel on the concrete by the bus flag, wild hair framing his painted face from beneath a purple hood. It was both wonderful and painful to see him again, and Tavros wanted to go back the way he came, but Gamzee spotted him before he could, and when their eyes met, his hands on the strings stilled.

Shit.

The air was so thick between them that it could be cut with a knife. They stared at each other in disbelief from several feet away until one of them finally got the guts to speak.

“Yo, Tavbro!” Gamzee called with a growing smile. “'Bout time you showed up!”

...Oh god, was he _still_ coming here twice a week for the past month just to see Tavros after class?! Why hadn't he given up? Also, why wasn't he pissed? He waved Tavros over to the bus stop as if he hadn't been ghosted for an entire month, like they were old friends, and this was just like any other day.

Tavros slowly closed the distance and took his usual place next to him by the flag. He didn't drop any money in Gamzee's case this time, since he wasn't expecting to see him and didn't have any change, but Gamzee didn't pay it any mind. “Um...hey, Gamzee.”

“It's a motherfuckin' miracle you're here, brother,” he said excitedly as he pulled his hood down. “You'll never guess what I all up and found. Here I thought I'd done all the Mumford songs in the world, but turns out I missed one!”

Was Gamzee seriously trying to pretend like nothing happened? “Uh...but I haven't paid.”

“This one's on the house. Been owing it to ya for a long while now, anyway.”

He placed his fingers on his guitar and started to strum before Tavros could object. He sighed and settled in to listen to whatever Gamzee had in store. Maybe just once more, for old time's sake...

 

“Your eyes, they tie me down so hard  
I'll never learn to put up a guard  
So keep my love, my candle bright  
Learn me hard oh, learn me right

This ain't no sham  
I am what I am.”

 

It was made very clear what he was doing as he looked at Tavros with unwavering attention while he sang. Tavros really should have known better.

 

“Though I may speak, some tongue of old  
Or even spit out some holy word  
I have no strength from which to speak  
When you shoot me down and see I'm weak

We will run and scream  
You will dance with me  
They'll fulfill our dreams  
And we'll be free  
And we will be who we are  
And they'll heal our scars  
Sadness will be far away.”

 

Tavros couldn't help but listen intently to the lyrics this time, knowing they were being sung _to_ him. It was such a silly thing Gamzee was doing, trying to serenade him at a bus stop after a month apart. The worst part is that it was working.

 

“So as we walked  
Through fields of green  
It was the fairest sun I'd ever seen  
And I was broke,  
I was on my knees.  
You said yes as I said please 

This ain't no sham  
I am what I am  
I'll leave no time  
For a cynic's mind.”

 

Tavros couldn't handle the way Gamzee was looking at him. He couldn't stomach the perilous hope in his eyes, the twinge of a nervousness in his smile, how he protectively hunched over his guitar like his soul was inside. It would take a miracle to get both of them through this song.

 

“We will run and scream  
You will dance with me  
Fulfill our dreams  
And we'll be free  
We will be who we are  
And they'll heal our scars  
Sadness will be far away

Do not let my fickle flesh go to waste  
As it keeps my heart and soul in its place  
And I will love with urgency  
But not with haste.”

 

Tavros' fingers were digging into the seam of his legs as the melody slowed. The last lingering note brought an uneasy quiet between them, with Gamzee's eyes having closed for the last verse, and Tavros staring at his hands in his lap. He dreaded that it was his turn to speak, not knowing what to say, when Gamzee beat him to it.

“When you're a thing like me,” he started, the guitar rattling as he set it down, “you get used to being on the sidelines. People passin' by don't even look at you, and when they do, they'd rather not be. But when I'm with you, I feel like I'm... _something_. I ain't ever felt anything like when you look at me the way you do, like I'm-” A pause. Gamzee cleared his throat and his voice went soft. “...Like I'm somethin' worth lookin' at.”

To say Tavros was humbled was an understatement. Did Gamzee really feel that way behind his laid back attitude this whole time? That he was unwanted? A burden? It made sense that he would, given his life, but he never seemed like the kind of person that would let those things weigh him down like they did Tavros.

“When you stopped comin' around or talkin' to me, I thought that's just how it always is. Wouldn't be the first time someone all up and took off. I don't even know what I was expectin'.”

“Gamzee...” The guilt was tearing Tavros apart. For an entire month, he thought he was doing Gamzee a favor by staying away, to keep him from finding out the truth, but in doing so, he'd hurt his friend far more. It wasn't really Gamzee he'd been so worried about this whole time, was it? Tavros was only thinking about himself.

“But,” Gamzee continued, finally opening his eyes to meet Tavros' again, “funny thing is, no matter how much I listened to that noise, I couldn't up and get myself to believe it. That kinda shit is what other people do, and if there's one thing I know for sure, it's that you're not like other people.”

Those words were like a storm that tore through Tavros' body. It's a good thing he didn't have knees or they would have been washed away in the flood.

“I can't ever be knowin' why it is you get bundled up in your own skin the way you do, but I wanna make it loud and clear to you right now, Tavros: you are the most miraculous thing the messiahs ever put on this green earth. Pure elixir for a broken soul, enough to make a brother feel like he's up an breathing again. You might always be trying to keep the world out, but you're a part of _mine._ And I want that part of me back.”

This was all too much. The grave earnestness in Gamzee's confession had Tavros' mind reeling, and even if he could find his voice, he wouldn't have known what to say. All he could do was gape like the idiot he was, and Gamzee finally relented from his onslaught of unfiltered honesty to rub the back of his neck.

“If you don't, then that's cool. I mean, you don't have to if you don't actually...you know. We can just keep our friendship on, or if you'd rather not then I guess that's on me. But if you do, if there's even the littlest chance that you might feel the same way...” He reached over and put his hand on the one trembling on Tavros' lap. “...Then I promise I'll love you with urgency, but not with haste.”

That lyric had the lungful of air trapped inside of Tavros' chest burst out in an unexpected laugh, quiet and short and mostly breath, but it's what was needed right now to finally deflate the tension. “Oh wow, th-that was...that was really corny, Gamzee.”

Gamzee cracked a guilty smile and chuckled. “Yeah, I know. I'm serious, though, I fuckin' love you.”

He said it so easily, like there was nothing to it, but Tavros knew better now. They weren't just words, they were a leap of faith. The two of them were more similar than Tavros realized, so if Gamzee could be so brave, then...

Tavros swallowed and turned his hand over to hold onto Gamzee's, giving it small a squeeze. “I'm...I'm so sorry I, uh, left. I didn't mean to make you feel that way, I just...”

“I know,” Gamzee nodded. “Don't matter anymore, though, 'cause you're here now.”

“R-right. Uh, I guess I should...” He cleared his throat and forced his eyes to stay forward. “You mean a lot to me, too, Gamzee.” God, Tavros was so bad at this! Even so, Gamzee still hung on his every word like it was gospel. He couldn't even believe he was doing this, and his mind was screaming at him to stop, but he couldn't hear it anymore over the thunder of his own heart. “Can I, uh, make a request?”

“Anything.”

“...Kiss me?”

Gamzee was quick to oblige. He got up on his knees, Tavros leaned down, and though the angle was a little awkward, when their lips met, it was nothing short of perfect. Gamzee was smiling like a fool as they melted together with a pleased sigh, and for once, Tavros didn't feel at all out of place.

“Motherfuck,” Gamzee breathed, eyes full of awe. “Mary Jane got nothing on that.”

 

* * *

 

“You're doing great, Tavros!” his instructor praised, and Tavros smiled at the encouragement. Today was the day that he was finally standing up on his own two feet, not even with the aid of crutches! The railings were next to him, of course, but he kept his hands away from them and didn't have any plans to change that. He'd never get tired of how nice it was to be this tall again. “Take your time, just focus on your balance.” He braced himself as he was let go, feeling himself wobble a little bit at first, but the microprocessors in his legs sensed it and helped him shift his weight. These things were so cool! “You can move forward whenever you're ready.”

It'd been a few months since he started coming back to physical therapy, but in that time, he made significant progress. He wasn't falling down nearly as much as he used to and he was starting to get the hang of how to move so that his artificial knees would lock and bend. It took longer for him to get to this point than a lot of other people would have, but the fact that he was here at all was, as Gamzee would say, a motherfucking miracle.

His boyfriend was steadily making progress of getting on his own feet, too. The little gigs he did here and there got him recognized by a local band who's backup guitarist had quit, and he seemed to be a great fit for them. They played their first show together at a new bar's grand opening downtown last weekend, and Tavros had a total blast when he went to see it. Gamzee was getting him out of the apartment a lot recently, and although Rufio still wasn't completely sold on his little brother's...uh, 'tastes,' he couldn't say that they weren't good for each other. Not when his little brother was smiling more than he had in years.

It was crazy to think how much was different when so little had actually changed. The city was finally starting to feel like home now and time was moving forward for the first time since the accident. Tavros was still pretty sure that he wasn't like other people, but that didn't mean he couldn't be.

Of course, it wasn't always sunshine and rainbows. Tavros still had times when the rug was pulled out from under him and his confidence hit the ground, but at least he wasn't alone now. There was someone with him who understood, and in the end, that's really all he needed. No matter how many times he was knocked down, Gamzee was there to see him get back up, and Tavros felt like he could do just about anything so long as Gamzee believed he could, and he always did.

All Tavros had to do was take a step.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story is actually kind of personal to me, as it incorporates some of my own life experiences that I don't often like to talk about. I actually really like how it turned out, though, which is kind of rare for me, so I hope you liked it, too.  
> Thanks for reading!
> 
> Songs:  
> Little Lion Man  
> The Cave  
> I Will Wait  
> After The Storm  
> Babel  
> Hallelujah (Jeff Buckley's version)  
> Not With Haste


End file.
